Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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