Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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