I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
