Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
