My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Come on in and take your pants off
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