you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
