WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
