Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
