Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
