Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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