Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
