why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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