Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
