maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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