You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
