my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
