he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
