yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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