He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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