I think I died a long time ago.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
