im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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