And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
