The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
