I faked an abortion last night.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
