Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
