Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
