We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
