my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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