Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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