I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
