i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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