My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
