I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
