So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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