Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
