I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
