I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My vagina is very pro this idea
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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