Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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