My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Couch. On fire.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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