You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
