my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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