all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
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We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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