I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
