the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
