Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
