I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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