yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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