Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
