What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
