I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
