Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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