I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
