well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
