I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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