omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
