Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
