please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
