I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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